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GodAndUlsterPosted at 2018-02-16 00:15:13(3 days ago)


Posts: 2244
Location: United Kingdom


A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.
He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.:giggle

 
 
coasterPosted at 2018-02-18 02:27:56(1 day ago)


Posts: 91
Location: New Zealand


Two Aussie priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He laughs and says,'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

 
 
GodAndUlsterPosted at 2018-02-18 02:56:09(1 day ago)


Posts: 2244
Location: United Kingdom


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.

Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup.":giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterPosted at 2018-02-18 03:00:04(1 day ago)


Posts: 2244
Location: United Kingdom


There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son, little Johnny to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop," said little Johnny.

"Yes," replied his father.

"The bull just f****d the brown cow."

There was a sudden lull in the conversation.

The father said "Excuse me" and took little Johnny outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow."

The father went back inside the house. After a while the Johnny came in and said, "Hey, Daddy."

"Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He f****d the brown cow again!":giggle

 
 
coasterPosted at 2018-02-18 22:41:39(7 hrs ago)


Posts: 91
Location: New Zealand


[align=center]Bruce took his missus to a restaurant.
The waiter took his order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."

[/align]

 
 
GodAndUlsterPosted at 2018-02-19 00:47:20(5 hrs ago)


Posts: 2244
Location: United Kingdom


coaster wrote:

[align=center]Bruce took his missus to a restaurant. The waiter took his order first."I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."The waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself."
[/align]

:giggle:giggle:giggle:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterPosted at 2018-02-19 00:49:37(5 hrs ago)


Posts: 2244
Location: United Kingdom


A rich older man was married to a sexy younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should restrain sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs and wife upstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife half-way on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!":giggle:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterPosted at 2018-02-19 00:50:10(5 hrs ago)


Posts: 2244
Location: United Kingdom


A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males Castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Growers Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f*****' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em".:giggle

 
 
GodAndUlsterPosted at 2018-02-19 00:51:08(5 hrs ago)


Posts: 2244
Location: United Kingdom


A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the Squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Finally Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*****g putt, didn't you?":giggle

 
 

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